I want to be wanted. I want someone to want me, and not be okay with just anyone like me.

I don’t want anyone to think “nevermind, I’ll find someone like you” (Adele reference). I want someone to think “I’m sorry, but I just want you and I will fight to get you.”

I can’t think of the last thing I wanted so badly that I fought for it. And I can’t think of any situation where someone wanted me so badly that they had to fight for me. There’s always been another me available. I’m replaceable.

There are a lot of Sasheers around. I just did an audition with a bunch of them. They’re probably all great, but none of them are me. I’m waiting for the time when people will see past the general category of Sasheers and what makes us similar and see what makes me individually special.

Imagine we’re all chocolate eclairs behind glass in a bakery, waiting to be sold. We were all made the same way, with the same ingredients and probably by the same person. But we have our differences. I want someone to look at my eclair and think “I want that one. I can see the icing is a little smashed on the side, but I like that. And I like how the filling isn’t bursting through the side. Even though I can’t see it, I imagine this eclair is full of cream. I may have to chew through a couple bites of dough to get to it, but it’s there and I don’t mind waiting for the payoff.”

And I want that person to want this eclair so bad that no other eclair will do. They won’t leave the bakery until they get that one. And if they can’t have it, they won’t move on to the eclair next to it, or go to the shop down the street and get a cheaper one. They’ll just walk away, lamenting the loss of this eclair. And maybe later down the road they’ll get hungry for a different type of pastry. But that won’t be for a while, and nothing can ever replace the eclair they never had.

Well that was a convoluted analogy, and I don’t know what it represents exactly. I guess a lot of things: jobs, gigs, friends, men, getting attention in general.

But, I suppose I have to do what I can to make people appreciate my differences. No one is going to walk into my bakery if I don’t put up a sign saying WE’RE OPEN. Okay, that’s enough of that.

P.S. Chocolate eclairs look like pieces of shit (see picture). Sometimes I can be a piece of shit, but everyone can, and most people are. But also like most people, eclairs taste better than they look.

P.P.S. I was very hungry when I wrote this.